Once upon a time (the other day), my husband came bounding into the kitchen, phone in hand, asking me “can you hear that?” Behind him were a trail of children (sometimes I lose count) all moaning; “Ugh” and, “Dad, turn that off”, or “that’s hurting my ears”. Then there was one more “argh” and another long “nooooo!”. Yes, sometimes my children have reactions that are disproportionate to what’s going on, but I’m sure you get my drift. Two out of three children were holding their ears and the kid was just screaming, I’m not sure if this means he could hear something or whether he was just joining in the fun. Neither myself nor my husband could hear the noise. Why? Because we. are. old.
Apparently there is a specific noise that only children and young folk can hear. I imagine this to sound something high pitched, based on their reactions. I find this totally bizarre and when it happened I found myself wondering a few things.
- Are they having me on?
- Hang on, usually, my kid’s ears don’t work….
- How can I use this to my advantage?
Let’s look at each one in turn…
1. Are my kids having me on?
That’s right, I, like many other parents, have children and most of the time their ears don’t work, at home. I say at home because they seem to work fine at school, in shops, at Grandma’s house etc. So it was strange to find that not only can they actually hear, but they can hear invisible noises, who would have thought it? Hum….
The only logical conclusion I could come to was that this invisible noise was perhaps similar to the sort of noise a person would make if they were, for example, opening a packet of crisps. Because, believe me, that shit could happen 6 miles down the road and my kids would sniff it out.
Obviously, I had my doubts that there was any noise, since I couldn’t hear it and I have the impressive ability to hear all sorts of things. For example, I can hear the first born battering his sister up stairs. I can hear the girl’s tablet but apparently, she can’t, that’s why she needs the volume so high. I can even hear the washing machine beep when no one else in the house can. It’s amazing, it really is.
But on this particular day, while Dad waved his phone around obviously enjoying the kids torment. The first born clutched his ears and his sister followed suit, like with anything that happens here on the Hill, one can’t do something dramatic without the other joining in. I watched it happen with my squinted eye Mum expression and tried to figure out whether they were having me on.
Usually, I can tell. You see the first born can’t lie for shit. He smiles, he grins, he’ll do some little chuckles and he always avoids eye contact. He pretty much displays all the signs except holding an actual sign above his head that reads “I’m talking bollocks”. It’s how I know if he has made an real attempt on his sister’s life.
The girl’s tactic is a little more timid. She’ll pretend we’re not here. She’ll act like no other person is in the same room as her and she certainly won’t acknowledge any words being spoken. She’ll simply ignore any attempt to clarify whether she did actually beat the shit out of her older brother. She’s a master at looking innocent and has perfected the ‘who me?’ look.
On this occasion I just didn’t know. So as any good Mum would, I shrugged my shoulders at the husband and walked away, leaving him to it.
2. Things they hear (and things they can’t)
Selective hearing, it’s a thing and if it’s not classified as an actual legitimate condition that kids suffer from it should be.
The sort of things my kids can hear while they’re not even trying include crisp packets, chocolate wrappers and the sound of the ‘treat tin’ being opened. They can especially hear anything to do with biscuits. They can hear the door go, because it obviously might be Grandma bringing them crisps, chocolate or biscuits. They can hear the Smyths Toy Shop advert even when the TV is on mute. Their little ears twitch at the sound of the You’ve Been Framed theme tune. But most importantly they can hear all things Chipmunk related – when it’s on POP and the volume is turned up to a million and they are on their tablet at the same time. What can I say, their ears are closed but they have the multitasking thing spot on.
Things they can’t hear even if it occurs 4678 times, an inch from their ears, with a megaphone. Me shouting tea is ready, being instructed to wash hands, being asked to shower, being asked not to kick the shit out of each other. Being told it’s bed time, being asked questions such as ‘what did you do at school’ and apparently, the TV (see above with the whole volume thing).
3. How can I turn this into a ‘mum win’?
That’s a god question and I’m still working on it so any input would be gratefully accepted. The only thing I can think is that I need to tune my voice into some high pitched/crisp noise frequency so only my children can hear me. But, obviously that won’t help me out in the real world with you know, school gate chat and that sort of stuff.
