This one is for the first born, he’s had a rough couple of weeks and it’s not his fault. What kid isn’t struggling with it all right now? But I needed to remind him and me that he’s amazing and it’s OK to cry.
I am sorry I am sometimes shouty Mum, that I can be a Mum who struggles to let go and have fun. I know it’s especially so, when we have no place to go, but we are in the midst of isolation.
I am sorry I’m tired Mum, that I drink too much tea and become wired Mum. I’m sleep deprived, OK, but I know it’s not your fault. Although it started when you arrived, I wouldn’t necessarily turn back time. Today I’ll just be half awake Mum.
I am sorry I can be have a meltdown Mum, that you look at me like ‘what the hell, Mum?‘. That I end up acting like a child, maybe this is me being wild. I don’t know, sometimes I just want to dance around and be crazy, but I’m responsible for the baby.
I am sorry that you feel frustrated, I feel your pain, school work isn’t my favorite. I am sorry that I am no longer just Mum, but also the person who tells you to get your work done. I am sorry you miss your friends, your teachers and even PE. I swear, I understand and forgive you, feel free to yell, you’re sick of the sight of me.
I am sorry that you think I moan all the time, I’m working on that with chocolate and wine. I am sorry if you think I’m not as fun as Dad, that if you do something silly you think I’ll get mad. It’s a crazy time in the house for us all, maybe one day we will look back and realise this time was a blessing, lets stop stressing.
I am sorry that sometimes I don’t get to kiss you goodnight, usually because the baby is crying or teething or the room is too bright. I am sorry that you don’t know, but maybe you’ll realise as you grow. As you nod off into dreamland I always sneak in, I pull the cover up to your chin. I whisper a soft ‘I love you’, then I do the same for the other two.
I am sorry that sometimes things don’t go your way and you get angry and sad, understand that this is what will help you as you grow up, then you’ll be glad. I am sorry that your sister is the unofficial boss, that she tells you what for, it’s a girl thing – I think, hell it’s a her thing and yet she’s only four.
I am sorry that sometimes things are harder than they should be for us all, that for now our world feels so small. But you make me smile, that’s your style and I am proud to say, you’re a trouper, you’re super and I will love you every single day.
Hearing this right now. Been there, but the reminder came today when I said to the little one ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been the best Daddy lately’ and got the response ‘but you are the best Daddy’ that we are always harder on ourself and the image of what we are supposed to be, and that this fleeting moment of madness won’t change how our darlings view us 😉