It’s that time.
SCHOOL…….
But not school like we know it.
No, it’s school during a global pandemic.
Which is always fun.
So I thought I’d share all the bits I am looking forward to most this year.
10. Labeling – Obviously, I love spending hours and hours on the floor in my living room surrounded by polo shirts and jumpers. Scribbling names in every piece of clothing, every shoe, every bag, glove and sock, only for at least one child to loose something on the first day. It will be the girl and it will be her jumper. I just know it.
9.The school run – Of course every parent loves the school run, not. Why oh why does it always rain? Why do I never have a hood, or an umbrella or the pram cover? Why do I always arrive early? Why does the girl always need a wee? Why does the kid always try to chew his way out of the pram? Why do I never learn? But this year, just to make it extra fun. Drop offs and picks ups will take place all around the school, every entrance shall be utilised, classes have their own doors, children will be kept separate, adults will be ushered using the one way system. And just to make it fun, Mum’s with prams will need to deliver and collect two completely different children at opposite ends of the school at the same time. It’s going to be so much fun.
8. School yard chatter – I am not a Mum who embraces this stuff. Small talk is not may forte and I am often distracted by small children wanting snacks or trying to escape the school boundary to be able to give another adult the attention they require when engaging in conversation. Therefore, I can only hope that all this mask wearing, one way system shit and sprinting from one side of the building to the other in zero seconds will work in my favor and I won’t actually have to talk to anyone.
7. Packed Lunches – Oh how I fucking hate packed lunches. I hate everything about them. Making them. Making sandwiches. Chopping fruit. Being organised. Carrying them. Forcing the kids to carry them. Panicking when I get back to the car and realise there is a CatBoy lunch box still attached to the pram. Bringing them home and cleaning all the yogurt from them. Washing a million tubs and starting the whole process again the next day for the next 16 years of my life or something equally soul destroying. Why not school dinner you ask? Well, allergies. The end.
6. Washing uniform – How much fun is it to wash school uniform? Isn’t it great, I just love spending all my free time doing this. I have missed it so much, says no Mum ever. And why oh why do they always come home with yogurt or paint or some other questionable stain on their jumper when you just cannot be arsed to do any fucking washing tonight?
5. Texts from school – Like ever other parent I absolutely love getting a text from the school, whilst I’m in work, announcing that my child will need something tomorrow. Its never just something simple either that most people will already have knocking around the house. No, it’ll require an emergency dash to the supermarket on the way home from work. The best ones are the random dressy up days or reminder to bake something, don’t all Mum’s just love a last minute 9 pm baking session? No, just me then???
4. Hangry and snacks – Waiting in the yard, water drip, drip, dripping from my non-waterproof coat, the girl still needs a wee, the kid is still trying the chew his way out of the buggy. Some parent smiled at me and I haven’t looked up since, you know, just in case. Watching children come out of school and run to parents, grandparents and carers, witnessing love and cuddles and the missing of one another. Out comes the first born. Stomp, stomp, stomp, throws bags on the buggy, questions “what food have you brought me?” I’m so lucky, it’s almost exactly the same as getting a hug.
3. Bubbles mean something different now – How we all love a good bubble. Bubble baths are amazing, or so I’ve heard. Bubble machines can dispense millions of bubbles at once and cause the kid to sequel and jump with joy. Even bubbles in the street mean a clean car. Oh how we all loved a good bubble, but bubbles mean something different now. Bubbles are safety nets, bubbles mean distance, bubbles mean looking out for others, bubbles mean going back to school and confusion for kids. Bubbles are supposed to give us the answer, the hope, the confidence to take risk. Bubbles make it all OK tomorrow when it wasn’t OK yesterday. Pop, pop, pop……
2. Is it safe – Apparently so, I mean they’ve spent six weeks or so trying to brainwash us into thinking it is, you know, because of bubbles. Send them to school they say, they’ll be in a bubble, they say. Of course, that bubble will be with 25 other children, who live in locations within a ten mile radius, who have parents working all over the region. Who have recently just returned from an international holiday and spent the last six weeks visiting McDonalds and Primark. When you have basically been under house arrest since February. But, here’s the clincher. If you take them to buy shoes before school starts you need an appointment. They can’t have more then 15 people in the shop and you’ll need a mask. If you want a pre-school hair cut, call the barbers and get on the 3 month waiting list and don’t forget your PPE before arriving for your slot. But school, yeah that’s fine, because you know, bubbles.
1. I’ll miss them – Of course I will. For all the moaning, arguing, getting on each other nerves, living on top of one another for six months. I will miss them. I will worry constantly about whether they are washing hands, keeping distance, being coughed on etc, etc, etc. I have already spent every single meal time for the past two weeks lecturing the girl about hugging. I will miss knowing they are safe, with me, in their own little bubble here on the Hill.
