Let me introduce Flop, my parenting inspiration.
Flop, as many parents of young children will know, mainly due to the fact that Cebeebies becomes your life, is the parenting star of Bing.
Now, if you haven’t watched Bing before then I should probably briefly explain that Bing is a bunny. His best friends are an elephant called Sula and a panda called, well, Pando. Pando never wears pants. Bing’s guardian/carer is Flop. Flop is some sort of small teddy type creature, as are all the adults in Bing land. Flop has parenting friends called Padget and Amma. Padget owns the local shop and looks after Pando and Amma has a nursery and cares for Sula. Flop likes to have coffee with Amma while Bing and Sula play nicely and the grown ups get to talk. He’ll also happily pop down to Padget’s shop with his wheelie trolley to stock up on carrots, to make Bing’s favorite dinner, carroty bagels, of course. It can be very confusing (for adults, not so much for kids) and I often wonder what the fuck is going on.
When you can get past all the crazy stuff, you know, an elephant and bunny, playing together and teddies for parents. It’s easy to see that Flop is actually a parenting legend. He never looses his shit, he always has patience and he manages to not get annoyed at what is basically the most whiny and annoying bunny in the world. It’s not unusual for me to wonder ‘what would Flop do?’ when things go south on the Hill.
I am not Flop
Obviously, I am human, so there’s that. But also, for as much as I try to channel my inner Flop I am often far more shouty, wound up and sleep deprived, you know, normal Mum shit.
But that doesn’t stop me from lying in bed at night and replaying my day, but with slightly different angles for all of the crazy shit that went on in my house and just imagining the outcomes, you know, if I was more like Flop.
Let’s look at some examples:-
- The first born pours his own cereal and spills it on the floor
What would Mum on the Hill do?… Well, first she’d do an eye roll, one that no child will witness of course. Then she’d probably mutter something to herself about never being able to just get breakfast, sit down, drink hot tea etc. I’d imagine after this she would do some stomping around to the kitchen, probably for for the dustpan and brush. Only to have a mini meltdown because Dad never put it back in the right place and she now can’t find it. Based on this happening many times, it’s safe to say that during this time the first born would be like a deer in headlights, frozen in time, unable to move for fear he might give away the fact that he’d just split Cheerios everywhere. In summary, Mum on the Hill would create a lot of stomping, muttering and huffing until all the Cheerios were cleared up, obviously we all know they will never be truly be cleared up and she’ll be finding stray Cheerios in the dining room for the rest of existence. Finally, the first born would sit down to enjoy his second bowl of cereal with a firm warning not to spill anymore.
What would Flop do?… Well luckily for Mum on the Hill there is an episode dedicated to a catastrophe just like this and it’s called ‘voo-voo’ (named after Bing’s hoover, as if that wasn’t obvious). First, Flop does a little chuckle, because you know, spillages of Cheerios are funny. Then he’ll act all like ‘oh, no, what are we going to do now?’. Because spilling Cheerios everywhere is also serious business. Then when Bing suggests they hoover them up (really?) he’ll congratulate Bing on such a brilliant idea and out comes voo-voo. Flop will then let Bing hoover up all the Cheerios while they both laugh about how they are giving voo-voo a lovely treat and he’s eating up all the little hoops and no one mentions that a shit load of Cheerios will probably break the Hoover. Then when normality resumes (I use the term ‘normality’ loosely given the whole bunny-elephant-panda thing). Flop will congratulate Bing on a job well done, Bing will devour his breakfast and Flop will proudly announce to everyone “voo-voo, it’s a Bing thing” or something along those lines anyway.
2. The girl wants a real bubble bath and adds far too much bubble mix
What would Mum on the Hill do?…Basically continue the bath because, she’s not spending the day poking a fire for hot water than just draining it out. She would then spend the next 20 minutes huffing and puffing trying to accomplish a hair wash while being unable to find any actual water. Obviously, it’s also important to try not to loose the girl in a mountain of bubbles. But the real clincher is the kid and the possibility that he’s going to slip a turd out and Mum on the Hill just won’t see this until it’s far too late. Resulting in lots of screaming, Dad getting the good job and a complete waste of bath water/fire poking that day. To be repeated with the next bath.
What would Flop do?…What would you know, there is an entire episode dedicated to just this issue. Flop has the bright idea of bath time and the pair toddle off to fill up the bath. Flop adds some bubble mix, then Bing adds some bubble mix. Flop does a bit of tidying up and Bing, that naughty little bunny adds a bit more bubble mix. Bing brushes his teeth and spills toothpaste on the floor. Obviously, Flop didn’t just clean the bathroom that day so manages to not loose his shit and just cleans it up with no moaning or anything. Flop toddles off to get a bath towel and Bing adds even more bubble mix. Now the bath is overflowing with bubbles, oh no! What does Flop do….. He tells Bing, “don’t worry Bing, it’s no big thing”. Adds a bit of cold water to dampen the bubbles down and everyone lives happily ever after. “Baths, they’re a Bing thing”.
3. The kid eats coal
What would Mum on the Hill do?….Obviously, she doesn’t see this going on because you know, eyes in the back of your head aren’t an actual thing. But the first born will loudly exclaim ‘he’s eating the coal!’. This one involves a lot of under the breath swearing, banging things down, dragging the kid in for hand washing, mouth washing, body sterilising, that sort of thing. The cracker is that once he’s clean, safe and checked for actual swallowing of coal, he’ll go and do it again.
What would Flop do?…Unfortunately, Mum on the Hill hasn’t come across an episode of Bing that deals with coal eating. Not that she watches Bing without the kids around (she so does). But she would image Flop’s reaction would go something like this.
Flop, startled by the unnatural silence coming from the most wild children he’s ever encountered turns to face the kid. “Oh no, not the coal!” he sighs as he raises his hands in the air, what will he do with this one? He thinks to himself.
The kid looks up from the obvious coal eating and Flop crosses his arms (again this is pure imagination, Flops arms are not actually big enough to cross) and taps his foot. He ponders this one for a while because whilst Bing is the most annoying Bunny ever, these kids on the Hill have really tested even Flop’s parenting expertise.
“Well,” he decides. “It looks like you’ll be too full up for ice cream then?”
The kid freezes, Flop said the magic words. The kid throws the half eaten lump of coal to the ground and gives flop a big black toothed grin, opening his arms out to be carried in for ice cream.
Flop does an internal fist bump before explaining to the kid, “oh, no, I can’t actually carry you, I’m the size of your leg, you’ll have to get of your bum yourself, come on”.
The kid, on the promise of ice cream will do almost anything Flop instructs and toddles himself into the house for ice cream.
As Flop fills the sink with soapy water and considers whether he will actually need to bleach the kid he asks, “do you like eating coal?”. The kid shakes his head and makes a face.
“So that’s a no then”. Flop mutters to himself while stroking his imaginary beard. “Hum, interesting. Well in that case, we better get you cleaned up so you don’t turn your ice cream coal flavored.” Flop chuckles to himself at the funniness of his own comment as he reaches for a towel to help the kid dry off. “Let’s brush your teeth too, eh?” The kid nods, readily agreeing, anything for a bit of sugar.
The pair head for the kitchen for ice cream. As Flop watches the kid devour the creamy, fruity, gooey sugary treat he asks, “how about we eat less coal and more ice cream?” The kid smiles widely, nodding his head and licking his lips.
Flop rolls his eyes in a playful gesture and indicates for the kid to eat up, it’s melting. “Ice cream,” he says. “It’s a kid thing.”
And the kid never ate coal again
The End
