How to carry out the most perfect bedtime routine

• Announce it’s bedtime and continue to do this for at least 40 minutes, while also throwing a few ‘if you don’t go to bed you’ll loose your tablet’ empty threats
• Head up the stairs and again throw some random bribe into the mix and tell them if they don’t come up in two minutes they’ll be sorry, then pray to god they don’t call your bluff
• Once each child is accounted for on the second floor, start to play the ‘lets brush your teeth game’. This is Mum’s second favorite game, the first being the ‘let’s get dressed game’ the girl likes to torment Mum with on a daily basis, several times a day
• Do an internal fist bump when you’ve managed to get two out of the three children to do their teeth and then cry silently to yourself when you realise the only one left is the girl. Accept that you may as well just give up now, head downstairs and drink the rest of that wine you opened earlier
• Brush the girl’s teeth for literally 1.5 seconds before she spits out all the toothpaste, continue for another 5 seconds before she declares she needs a wee. Recommence the teeth brushing for a further 20 seconds after the wee then let your shoulders sag and your body curl over in utter defeat when she toddles off for a drink. Upon her return continue to bribe her with new mermaid pajamas, a new barbie or a bike ride before she resumes teeth bruising (and quietly pray for rain the following day)
• Give Dad a silent high five ‘look’ in the hallway when all the children are actually in a bed, it doesn’t matter which bed anymore, you’ve given up by this point on the specifics

• Dish out the kisses and cuddles like any good parent and beg them profusely not to shout, cry, get out of bed etc. Pull out the big guns and make promises of staying up late the following night, being allowed to watch the Voice Kids or even a fucking dog
• Leave one room and walk past the other where the first born shouts for a second round of kisses and cuddles. Leave his room to the girl shouting for the same. Try not to sound like a complete shit parent because you just want to go downstairs and boil the kettle and eat all the biscuits, in peace
• Get down stairs, watch the baby monitor for movement, give them a few minutes to settle and boil the kettle. Sit with a hot cuppa and then whisper a series of ‘fucks’ when the first one shouts, you don’t even know which one it is because they have all inherited Dad’s inability to shout without sounding like a girl
• Go upstairs to find the girl can’t remember what she wanted and the boy has spent the last ten minutes worrying himself to death about some completely random shit. Nod and offer reassurance because you don’t actually have a clue what he’s talking about, but he did mention blu-tack at least six times. Say more good nights, remind them of the bribes and head downstairs

• Repeat the last step at least 14 times or until your tea is cold, whatever is sooner. Look at the clock and realise it’s 10 pm and you can’t be arsed to do anything now. Give up on life and go to bed for 3 minutes before the baby wakes.

The end.