This one is for the first born, he’s had a rough couple of weeks and it’s not his fault. What kid isn’t struggling with it all right now? But I needed to remind him and me that he’s amazing and it’s OK to cry.

I am sorry I am sometimes shouty Mum, that I can be a Mum who struggles to let go and have fun. I know it’s especially so, when we have no place to go, but we are in the midst of isolation.

I am sorry I’m tired Mum, that I drink too much tea and become wired Mum. I’m sleep deprived, OK, but I know it’s not your fault. Although it started when you arrived, I wouldn’t necessarily turn back time. Today I’ll just be half awake Mum.

I am sorry I can be have a meltdown Mum, that you look at me like ‘what the hell, Mum?‘. That I end up acting like a child, maybe this is me being wild. I don’t know, sometimes I just want to dance around and be crazy, but I’m responsible for the baby.

I am sorry that you feel frustrated, I feel your pain, school work isn’t my favorite. I am sorry that I am no longer just Mum, but also the person who tells you to get your work done. I am sorry you miss your friends, your teachers and even PE. I swear, I understand and forgive you, feel free to yell, you’re sick of the sight of me.

I am sorry that you think I moan all the time, I’m working on that with chocolate and wine. I am sorry if you think I’m not as fun as Dad, that if you do something silly you think I’ll get mad. It’s a crazy time in the house for us all, maybe one day we will look back and realise this time was a blessing, lets stop stressing.

I am sorry that sometimes I don’t get to kiss you goodnight, usually because the baby is crying or teething or the room is too bright. I am sorry that you don’t know, but maybe you’ll realise as you grow. As you nod off into dreamland I always sneak in, I pull the cover up to your chin. I whisper a soft ‘I love you’, then I do the same for the other two.

I am sorry that sometimes things don’t go your way and you get angry and sad, understand that this is what will help you as you grow up, then you’ll be glad. I am sorry that your sister is the unofficial boss, that she tells you what for, it’s a girl thing – I think, hell it’s a her thing and yet she’s only four.

I am sorry that sometimes things are harder than they should be for us all, that for now our world feels so small. But you make me smile, that’s your style and I am proud to say, you’re a trouper, you’re super and I will love you every single day.