There is stuff they don’t tell you about teenagers, but really should.
There should be a handbook, one that is handed out at the school gates the moment your child turns 13. Perhaps something titled “Good Luck, You’re Going to Need This” . Something with a picture of a parent staring blankly into the middle distance. Because the truth is, nothing — not newborn sleepless nights, not toddler tantrums, not the Great Peppa Pig Obsession of 2014 — nothing, prepares you for‘The Teenage Years’.
During the Teenage years your food bill will triple over night.
One day you’re buying a reasonable weekly shop. The next, you’re Googling “Can a human survive on pasta alone?” This is because your teen has suddenly inhaled £40 worth of snacks between 4pm and 4:30pm. They no longer eat actual means. They graze. Constantly. Like a cow, but moodier.
No more buying teats for mum and dad either. Not only is this no longer in the budget, the Teen has also develop a sixth sense that would qualify them for MI5, they can locate hidden chocolate, sweets and anything remotely tasty. When it comes to the kitchen, the Teen can sniff out a mouldy pack of Haribo and gladly eat them.
Once the Teenage Years hit, your Teen will develop the ability to communicate exclusively in grunts.
Remember a time when they used to tell you stuff? Not everything, because lets be real, they could never really remember what they did or even ate at school. Now it’s even worse, now you get…
“Mm.”
“Dunno.”
“Fine.”
My favorite is…’WHAT!’ Whilst simultaneously removing one earphone and rolling their eyes.
And the classic: a shrug.
If you are a parent who is lucky enough to get a full sentence, congratulations — you’ve unlocked a rare achievement.
During the Teenage Years their bedroom becomes a biohazard zone.
You will open the door one day and immediately regret it. The smell is… indescribable. A mix of damp towel, fart, and something you pray isn’t alive.
If you’re brave enough to enter the teen cave you’ll find plates. Cups. Bowls. Cutlery you haven’t seen since 2021 and socks that could walk themselves to the laundry basket if they had the motivation, unfortunately for me, they don’t.
During the Teenage Years they develop very strong opinions about everything – even stuff they don’t care about.
And by “opinions,” I mean they will passionately argue that you are wrong about absolutely anything.
You will lose every argument. Logic does not apply to the Teen and as frustrating as this is – just remember at least they are speaking to you, so it’s really a blessing.
Just to test any shred of sanity you might be clinging to, the Teen suddenly become the third parent to their siblings and repeat anything parent-ish they have ever heard you say, dish out tellings off and constantly tell their sister she stinks.
When the Teenage Years hit they suddenly seed privacy… constantly.
Maybe you used to be allowed within a 2‑metre radius, even if it was to collect the washing or change the bed. Now you must know the top secret knock before approaching their bedroom, the bathroom, or their general aura. But don’t worry, whilst they will vanish into their room for hours, you’ll be sure to see them when they emerge to forage for food or complain about the Wi‑Fi.
During the Teenage Years they will forever think you are embarrassing by default.
Breathing? Embarrassing.
Saying hello to their friends? Embarrassing.
Existing in the same postcode? Deeply embarrassing.
You could be the coolest human alive — doesn’t matter. To them, you are a walking cringe compilation.
The only way to therefore deal with this is to ensure you are indeed very embarrassing. Be sure to roll the window down and share all the love as you drop them off in the morning and rap all the words to any 90’s tune playing on the radio. ‘You can do it put you’re ass into it” following by a leg lift and a self-booty slap is a winner. A guaranteed method to completely ensuring your Teen never speaks to you again.
As the Teenage Years arrive they develop the sleep schedule of a nocturnal hedgehog.
They can’t wake up before noon on weekends.
They can’t fall asleep before midnight on school nights.
They are permanently tired, permanently dramatic about being tired, and permanently offended when you suggest going to bed earlier.
I’m not sure when it happened but I now go to bed three hours before my teenager every night because he refuses to go to bed ‘at a baby time’.
In spite of the Teenage Years they still need you … but will never admit it,
Here’s the bit nobody tells you: beneath the attitude, under the mess, past the fog of mysterious smells, and hidden behind the emotional roller-coaster, your Teenager still needs you.
They won’t say it.
They might not even realise it.
But they still need you nearby or at least in the same vicinity or house.
Your purpose is to just sit quietly, in the background, obviously not making eye contact, and preferably not breathing too loudly. But on standby and to ensure a never ending supply of crisps.
